Downs

• Still feeling nauseated It feels exactly like morning sickness so on the way back from daycare, I picked up a pregnancy test. However, I’m not pregnant, just sick
• Calvin woke up early around 5:30 this morning and wouldn’t go back to sleep. However, this isn’t quite as bad as it normally would seem as I had been awake since 4:30 because my stomach wasn’t behaving.

Ups

Today I went and saw a counselor about everything that has happened this past year. This has been the hardest year of my life and, contrary to what I expected, not the most rewarding. I knew that having an infant would be hard but I thought there would be more upsides than I’m seeing.

I was reluctant to see a counselor because I saw a psychologist a couple of years ago and always ended leaving the sessions more stressed than when I arrived. In addition, she didn’t seem to accept what I said at face value. I like this counselor much better. She obviously has experience talking with rational people that aren’t exceptionally emotional. When she asked me a question and I answered it, she accepted my answer without trying to twist it into something that I didn’t mean.

Anyway, the counselor basically told me that my feelings were normal and the people who say, “treasure every moment,” probably don’t remember what it was really like. Kind of like those people who claim the high school years are the best years of your life. She suggested some strategies for trying to bond better with Calvin such as writing down the cute things he does (see, I’m already ahead of her ) and trying find time to interact with him when I’m not stressed by other tasks.

Other things we talked about in no particular order:

• The first year is the hardest.
• It may be harder to identify with a child when their personality type is different from the parents. For example, I’m pretty sure Calvin is going to turn out to be an extrovert. The more people he’s around, the happier he is.
• Daycare is not evil. She said that it sounded like Calvin was thriving in daycare and it was a good sign that he could develop a good bond with the daycare people in addition to me (even though his primary bond should be with me).
• Given my personality, it’s probably a really good thing I work at least part-time.
• With any large life change, you usually should wait at least a year afterwards before making follow-up plans. That being said, when the time comes, you should make sure that you are honest with yourself about your feelings and abilities.
• There’s nothing wrong with being a single child. As more parents have just one child, there isn’t as much stigma associated with it. She also feels that single children actually have a social advantage because they are more comfortable interacting with adults. She did preface all this with acknowledging there isn’t a lot of research of this subject so her comments are based on her own observations.
• Mothers don’t necessarily have an instinct telling them how to deal with a child. Other than breasts and an ability to give birth, they may not have a care-giving advantage over men.
• She agrees that my determination to give Calvin breast milk probably interfered with my initial bonding with him. Not that I regret my choice per se. Given my previous knowledge and experience, I made the best choice I could at the time. If I ever have another child I will still try to breastfeed as that is the ideal situation. However, I will stop as soon as I (or Jaeger) see that it’s interfering with our emotional bond.
• She seemed shocked that a postpartum women, already at high risk for depression, would be allowed to take a drug (Reglan, for lactation) known to have depression as a possible side effect. At the time I didn’t think I was depressed. Even now I’m not sure but I’m willing to admit it was possible. However, around 6 months was where I didn’t feel like I was in hell anymore. I don’t know if that was because I had stopped taking Reglan or if it was because Calvin finally started being able to assert his independence and thus was much easier to take care of.

The counselor seems to think all my reactions are normal and I don’t need extensive counseling. However, she suggested I schedule monthly checkups to make sure I continue doing ok.

Cute Calvin Moment

• Every night when I bring Calvin home from daycare we experiment with finger food in the hopes that someday he will learn how to eat without pushing everything out of his month with his tongue. Tonight we tried freeze-dried blueberries. You aren’t suppose to feed an infant normal dried fruit such as raisins because it’s sticky and the fruit may clump together poising a choking hazard. However, I thought freeze-dried fruit would be ok because it’s crisp and has a tendency to dissolve once it gets wet. Anyway, Calvin loved the blueberries. He would very carefully pick up a blueberry between his two fingers, bring it to his mouth, and delicately nibble on it with his front teeth. I think he even managed to swallow some of them.

Simplification

• I shredded a ton of documents today and filled up two garbage bags with shredded paper.

Food Diary
Today was another odd food day as most of my nutrition came from nibbling on graham crackers, one of the few foods that isn’t actively increasing my nausea.

• Breakfast – A banana and mint tea
• Lunch – A tiny portion of Holiday Bean Soup
• Supper – A little bit of Cheese & Spinach Ravioli.